Thursday, October 18, 2012

~~the lovable PaiN~~


You loved me to heights,
Until the storm came over,
Till I played it to bits,
Turning you into an avenger,

Why are we falling apart ruthlessly?
 Query my heart raised and I shuddered,
Choices at one point I made recklessly,
Killing every joy leaving you shattered,

Your pardon made my life a bliss,
Intentions I never doubted that came,
 Only eternal love I felt in that kiss,
That I must live now in total shame,


So brutal was your vengeance,
Extinguishing the love I re kindled,
Stooped so low the me in grievance,
Crying for love of you I fiddled,

Yet now I look back and smile,
Thinking of my pain you anticipated,
As memories all that I pile,
Silly the word love I negated 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

~~the last call of my Daddy my only Superman~~


There lay on the bed my superman losing the battle he had been fighting for so long, giving up all his power against all the forces that was doomed to take him away forever from us, my dear Apa so fragile so weak without an ounce of energy left, I find my super energetic daddy today gravely accepting the sickness taking away his life each day. I am extremely sorry I whispered to my dear daddy choking at the sight of his calm peaceful face for I am failing to cheer him up today because my dear daddy won’t respond to me. I had to believe the doctors when they said he would start losing his consciousness with the dosage of injection they had to give him to subdue the pain. How annoyed is my daddy today that he doesn’t even hear the cry of his little grumpy daughter I argued with god. As I took my dear daddy’s hand into mine, I could hear the faint cry of my dear daddy beseeching for strength in his daughter to let go of their dear daddy forever from them.  
‘’ I am losing it every day and I expect you all to stay strong every day for I will die a contend death and remember that you all have done this old man and the dad in me proud …’’ he had said exhaling the pain breeding from the long illness. Little did this daddy’s little girl in me was willing to come in to terms with her falling superman. Little did this woman in me wanted to accept the painful fact that my dear dad was talking today about no one dying but himself.

I smiled fighting back tears and I saw behind the oxygen mask my dear dad smiled too fighting back tears with pride knowing he is leaving behind a strong daughter.

The most dreaded time came and it was all about how prepared I was. Death finally found a reason to intrude in my life; unannounced and unexpected it came and left leaving everyone aghast, shattered and broken.  I failed miserably too in my promise to be strong against all the toughness of a lady my dear daddy groomed me into, I became that little daughter of him craving for the hands of a super man of her daddy to wipe those tears and convince her everything will be okay…

PS: I lost a part of me with you dear daddy which I know I will never find again until I find myself with you daddy….may your soul rest in peace…see you in heaven…lots of love, hug and kisses…yours Baduama.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

```tHE VoW~~

I vow to help you love life. To always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not, to agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.
I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a life time love and to always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, that we will always find out way back to each other.



~How do you look at the woman you love and tell yourself it’s time to walk away?
~I hope one day I can love the way you love me~
~You figured it out once~
 

Friday, August 3, 2012

~~~the vOiD~~~

                                                                                                                           
 Oh! Ironic phase passing by
Awesome heavenly shower cry
   Perfect sail of my blue life cruise
Thee eyes merging in heart bruise

You there mock my living
I smile for you are relieving
   We loved we clicked we agreed
         Stormy night the curse of cupid

Befallen always be my baby
    Anguish rhythm beat of thy
Crystal drop trickling thee
  Alas! All in vain thy to see

 All remain is thee shattered 
  True love heart torn tattered
      Broken dreams pile away
         Howling soreness is the pay


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The letter on the desk of a wrenching Heart---------

Oh my love, my darling,
As I write this sitting on the couch of the hospital cabin praying for my dad’s improvement from the prolonged illness, I am also wishing that I fill you with enormous love you had for me once upon a time and which I now live craving for it.
Seemingly I have lost you and that love of yours completely but I need to let you know today that along with it I lost a whole lot of me too. Today my heart still beats for you, that a wholesome me is still finding happiness reminiscing our good times together and struggling to smile at my existence wallowing in your memories.
As you find love in someone else arms let me assure you that for me loving anyone other than you has proven very hard. I know you want to sneer at these very lines I just said because you no longer want to believe in me for I have broken that trust long time ago but please… do so for I mean every words I say now and for which I will lay down my life to prove if you ask me to.
I ruined things at one point of time for which I will remain guilty for ever because nothing can beat the pain of losing your love. I remain more messed up than ever since the day you chose to walk away from my life. Let me today collect my guts to let you know through the strength of the words in this letter that I am jotting down for you with all my wrenching heart. How I wish if I could share all these with you in person if only I deserved a chance.
Forgetting you has become the most impossible task I am assigned to by those people I love after you. I wonder if I will ever accomplish this task of erasing you and us from my memory archive which is infected with you and I forever. It would be a total lie to even say I am trying for I am not at all.
Sadly I am always reminded of those days having the best of our conversation fathoming our love for each other through hypothetical situation of what each of us would do if circumstances or whatever force is against us being together.
I remember your smile the sideway smile whenever you are about to prove a point that you know it would provoke the lawyer side of me. It didn’t happen that day for all I wanted was to believe in every little thing you said to me with so much conviction about fighting all the odds that would take me away from you. How I miss that moment of my life with you pulling me close while we promised each other to put in every effort to have us always together no matter what.
Today I ask this to myself through this letter. Did we live up to the promise we made to each other to combat all the forces that would set us apart? The only answer I find looming all over me is a big fat no on my part or maybe I will pretend to believe I gave up on all my efforts to have us together.
You were right when you said it is for best I must let you go, just making me come into terms with my own philosophy of living on whatever happens it happens for the best because now that you are gone I am left shattered but stronger and loyal than ever in my ability to love someone like you.    
I thank you for teaching me loyalty in a relationship and leaving me with abundance of power to endure hurt and I also thank god today for giving me that particular phase in letting me drift away from your love for it has brought me the essence and value of your love for me. Yes indeed whatever happened and is happening must be for best if not better I am to keep believing.
Well, on the moving on side and more on finding a new love I will swear I will wait… until that someone like you find love in me I will be living every breath of my life finding you in the things we did together…in things we talked about, in things we cared about...in things we connected ...in things we read those signs…in things we mused over… almost in every print that you left behind…eventually seeking forgiveness in everything you meant truly and I failed miserably…






Ps> ~~~always wishing for your happiness~~~
        

xoxo
baby always








Tuesday, June 26, 2012

the bRuised heart~~~

I fell to the floor clutching my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I was lying on the bathroom tiles crying. I felt worse than a kid wailing out for his mother.  I gasped for breath possibly thinking it is a heart attack but the truth was that the broken heart of mine had already taken control over my life.
Life couldn’t have proved more miserable than living every moment of it on pile of hopes,  hopes from the good lord above to bless me with enough strength to let go, hopes from the love of my life to find power to forgive me, hopes after hopes to welcome each day without self pity, self disgust and self hatred.
I got up stumbling on the knees that I found too weak to hold me. I realized I have been there for quite long. Took a glance at my favorite object, the mirror on the bathroom wall, I looked like I haven’t slept for nights as the eye bags have gained prominence and the growling tummy just confirmed that I haven’t eaten anything since the night before except for some fruit juice. The tears were still streaming down uncontrollably from my eyes further wetting my face as I groped in the dark towards my bed without putting the lights on not wanting to disturb my angelic niece sleeping peacefully.
I don’t buy the saying that time heals all wounds because this is the 4th month of still waking up with that excruciating pain in my heart and still breathing harder on the threshold of losing the one and only love of my life.    

Friday, March 16, 2012

the tel a tale city in thee life…



As I was preparing for my first official trip to Delhi, India, I was going through heavy bouts of nostalgia. I was going back to the city I graduated from three years back.  I clearly remember my first trip to this alien city with my dear mother back then to get an admission to one of the finest law college.  I also clearly remember how I consoled myself over the thought of having to put up in this city for 5 long years to hold a law degree.  All this was now a thing of the past as I tried to tune into the agenda I was assigned with the rest 9 members (all male) to visit this city again.
 After 2 and half hours of flight, I finally descended to the city as aura of nostalgia sweeped through me. We were ushered with utmost dignity towards the VIP lounge by the reception team of protocol officers there at the airport. Although silly my emotions may appear but certainly while passing through the hustle bustle of the city sitting in that protocol chauffeur driven car and heading to our destination, memories good and bad came flooding in welling up my eyes. I do admit that I am attached to this city in many ways especially in shaping up the person I am right now..