The letter on the desk of a wrenching Heart---------

Oh my love, my darling,

As I write this sitting on the couch of the hospital cabin praying for my dad’s improvement from the prolonged illness, I am also wishing that I fill you with enormous love you had for me once upon a time and which I now live craving for it.

Seemingly I have lost you and that love of yours completely but I need to let you know today that along with it I lost a whole lot of me too. Today my heart still beats for you, that a wholesome me is still finding happiness reminiscing our good times together and struggling to smile at my existence wallowing in your memories.

As you find love in someone else arms let me assure you that for me loving anyone other than you has proven very hard. I know you want to sneer at these very lines I just said because you no longer want to believe in me for I have broken that trust long time ago but please… do so for I mean every words I say now and for which I will lay down my life to prove if you ask me to.

I ruined things at one point of time for which I will remain guilty for ever because nothing can beat the pain of losing your love. I remain more messed up than ever since the day you chose to walk away from my life. Let me today collect my guts to let you know through the strength of the words in this letter that I am jotting down for you with all my wrenching heart. How I wish if I could share all these with you in person if only I deserved a chance.

Forgetting you has become the most impossible task I am assigned to by those people I love after you. I wonder if I will ever accomplish this task of erasing you and us from my memory archive which is infected with you and I forever. It would be a total lie to even say I am trying for I am not at all.

Sadly I am always reminded of those days having the best of our conversation fathoming our love for each other through hypothetical situation of what each of us would do if circumstances or whatever force is against us being together.

I remember your smile the sideway smile whenever you are about to prove a point that you know it would provoke the lawyer side of me. It didn’t happen that day for all I wanted was to believe in every little thing you said to me with so much conviction about fighting all the odds that would take me away from you. How I miss that moment of my life with you pulling me close while we promised each other to put in every effort to have us always together no matter what.

Today I ask this to myself through this letter. Did we live up to the promise we made to each other to combat all the forces that would set us apart? The only answer I find looming all over me is a big fat no on my part or maybe I will pretend to believe I gave up on all my efforts to have us together.

You were right when you said it is for best I must let you go, just making me come into terms with my own philosophy of living on whatever happens it happens for the best because now that you are gone I am left shattered but stronger and loyal than ever in my ability to love someone like you.    

I thank you for teaching me loyalty in a relationship and leaving me with abundance of power to endure hurt and I also thank god today for giving me that particular phase in letting me drift away from your love for it has brought me the essence and value of your love for me. Yes indeed whatever happened and is happening must be for best if not better I am to keep believing.

Well, on the moving on side and more on finding a new love I will swear I will wait… until that someone like you find love in me I will be living every breath of my life finding you in the things we did together…in things we talked about, in things we cared about...in things we connected ...in things we read those signs…in things we mused over… almost in every print that you left behind…eventually seeking forgiveness in everything you meant truly and I failed miserably…

Ps> ~~~always wishing for your happiness~~~

        

xoxo

baby always