You should visit the psychiatrist, I am telling you dear” was what she had to say to my justifications over my constant mood swings. I forced a tight smile to my dear friend while contemplating some truth in what she just said. Holding my vase like cup of green tea, taking a sip consistently, and digesting the fact of how much things have changed within me over the years I tiptoed to the kitchen to fill another cup for my dear friend while her chatters started to sound faint. (I should give some credit to her chatters for it’s our 15yrs smooth running friendship)
Yes! There is no denial that I have changed over the years. For better or for worse I agree I have changed indeed.
My cell beeped with a text saying “old mother Herbert, what’s up? Partying this weekend?”
I felt very normal with the nick name but definitely in my sub conscious mind it did ring a bell of reminder that high time I do something about it before I get very close to being abnormal.
People say life begins at 40 and here I am already feeling the end at just 25 when I should be telling myself I have 15 more years to feel younger. Yes, I do want to believe there is yet a whole life ahead of me. There is a part of me who wants to love and be loved unconditionally and yet there is a part of me who wants to completely hold back love. There is a larger part of me who wants to live a selfishly crazy life and the other larger part of me wanting to live a completely ignorant life based on my own principles and grounds.
While trying to find happiness in myself by keeping other’s happy, I have lost the biggest part of me. It seems like at this phase my whole life has been fragmented into these small parts, confusing me every new day. I was once a girl with dreams, a girl whose dream was frequented by Sharukh Khan (I didn’t know he was married), a girl who envied long hair (I no more envy for I have my own now), a girl without a driver’s license, a girl without a job and most of all just a girl next door.
From a little girl who played in the dust, I have become a woman who has forgotten the touch of dust.
I have achieved what I have wanted and as well lost out on what I had wanted to keep.
Today I am someone who has fulfilled her dreams (except for marrying Sharukh khan), a girl with a driver’s license and a car, a girl with a job and a girl who has become a woman, And yet there are times, when I still want to feel this little girl in me who still finds comfort in resting her head on her father’s chest and lay all her problems there and at times the little girl who still can cry aloud when her mother screams at her.
“I am calling your uncle doctor for the appointment soon”
That was my chatter friend who stood there at my kitchen door. I realized her cup was yet to be filled. The water boiler didn’t remind my purpose of visiting him/her:)
While I gather all this parts of me together, I always couldn’t find a few parts of me who used to be determined, who was always enthusiastic about the ‘in-thing’ in the town and most of all who used to sing the joys of life and I am sure without these parts I will never be me. I told myself and then to this dear friend of mine.
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